Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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