Will you blow on my dice?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
