I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
