The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
