I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
did i just pee glitter
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
