she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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