Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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