Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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