Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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