An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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