I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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