he wants to bone in the snuggie
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
