dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
