I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
