dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
