If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
