Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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