New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
