3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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