so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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