I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize