i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
