there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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