Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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