you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
