i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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