He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
