Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
