i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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