you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
