I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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