The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
