Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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