My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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