the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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