dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
