All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
