So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
