"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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