Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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