I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
FUCK WHALES
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
