Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
