I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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