you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
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I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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