if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
