What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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