so that wasnt chicken after all
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
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Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
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My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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