So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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