eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
