one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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