Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
