apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
