I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
