your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
