Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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