I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize