i need an iv and a liver transplant
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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